It all happened in August 2004, when I went to bed after a tiring day. In the dream, a haunted house appeared in my neighborhood; out of curiosity, my family and I tried to open the door to see what was in it. The moment we opened it, a lot of ghosts ran out. We were frightened, running back home without delay. However, they ran after us with horrible facial expressions and shouted, “We will catch you!” When we arrived home, and tried to close the door, a ghost grabbed my brother by the arm, eventually taking him away. The sadness of losing my brother hit home. I was overcome by fear, unwilling to think about what had happened just now. Tears rolled down my face; what with the fright and the sadness. I didn’t know how important he was until I lost him. This dreadful dream shows that how terrible when we’re chased after and how sorrowful when we lost any of our family members.
沒有看到哪裡怪怪的~然後你弟看到這個應該會很感動~XDDD
回覆刪除第三行的what was in it( 還要it嗎? )
回覆刪除Tears rolled down my face; what with the fright, what with the sadness.我不知道有沒有錯@ˋˋ@!!
原來你那麼愛你弟阿~
回覆刪除讚喔~
跟你要一下你的信箱~
謝謝~
開頭有種很吸引人的感覺=)
回覆刪除中間也可以增加多一點驚悚的感覺XD
結尾也很不錯!!!
第六行a ghost grabbed my brother by the arm的grab可以加at或是用make a grab at sth.
回覆刪除開頭真好 然後我的文章一直被批評:(
回覆刪除1.It all happened in August 2004, when I went to bed after a tiring day.
回覆刪除→It all happened on August 2004 when I went to bed after a tiring day.
2.When we arrived home, and tried to close the door, a ghost grabbed my brother by the arm, eventually taking him away.
→When we arrived home, we tried to close the door, but a ghost grabbed my brother by the arm, eventually taking him away.
3.I was overcome by fear,...
→I was overcome with fear,...
(以上…淺見)
However, they ran after us with horrible facial expressions and shouted, “We will catch you!” 這一句很有生動的感覺,會讓讀者有身歷其境的感覺
回覆刪除第三行的the moment 是否要加上"that"?
回覆刪除還有第四行 without delay 應該改成 without delaying :)
然後倒數第四行 what had happen just now
是不是點怪怪的?
因為你已經有had happened 已經發生的事情
為什麼又有now呢?
是否改成 just + 一段短暫的時間會比較好?